Post Format: Chat | Simple Days

Abbott

Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.

Costello

Funny names?

Abbott

Nicknames, nicknames. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third–

Costello

That’s what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

Abbott

I’m telling you. Who’s on first, What’s on second, I Don’t Know is on third–

Costello

You know the fellows’ names?

Abbott

Yes.

Costello

Well, then who’s playing first?

Abbott

Yes.

Costello

I mean the fellow’s name on first base.

Abbott

Who.

Costello

The fellow playin’ first base.

Abbott

Who.

Costello

The guy on first base.

Abbott

Who is on first.

Costello

Well, what are you askin’ me for?

Abbott

I’m not asking you–I’m telling you. Who is on first.

Costello

I’m asking you–who’s on first?

Abbott

That’s the man’s name.

Costello

That’s who’s name?

Abbott

Yes.

Costello

When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Abbott

Every dollar of it. And why not, the man’s entitled to it.

Costello

Who is?

Abbott

Yes.

Costello

So who gets it?

Abbott

Why shouldn’t he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Costello

Who’s wife?

Abbott

Yes. After all, the man earns it.

Costello

Who does?

Abbott

Absolutely.

Costello

Well, all I’m trying to find out is what’s the guy’s name on first base?

Abbott

Oh, no, no. What is on second base.

Costello

I’m not asking you who’s on second.

Abbott

Who’s on first!

Costello

St. Louis has a good outfield?

Abbott

Oh, absolutely.

Costello

The left fielder’s name?

Abbott

Why.

Costello

I don’t know, I just thought I’d ask.

Abbott

Well, I just thought I’d tell you.

Costello

Then tell me who’s playing left field?

Abbott

Who’s playing first.

Costello

Stay out of the infield! The left fielder’s name?

Abbott

Why.

Costello

Because.

Abbott

Oh, he’s center field.

Costello

Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team?

Abbott

Wouldn’t this be a fine team without a pitcher?

Costello

Tell me the pitcher’s name.

Abbott

Tomorrow.

Costello

Now, when the guy at bat bunts the ball–me being a good catcher–I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Abbott

Now, that’s he first thing you’ve said right.

Costello

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!

Abbott

Don’t get excited. Take it easy.

Costello

I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don’t know. I don’t know throws it back to tomorrow–a triple play.

Abbott

Yeah, it could be.

Costello

Another guy gets up and it’s a long ball to center.

Abbott

Because.

Costello

Why? I don’t know. And I don’t care.

Abbott

What was that?

Costello

I said, I DON’T CARE!

Abbott

Oh, that’s our shortstop!